No Words

No song quote today. Cannot muster one up.

Back to the vet tomorrow to talk about the J-man. Scared for that conversation - don't want to cut life short, but don't want him to suffer. I hate having the power to decide the fate of another being....again.

On the up side, I'm going to co-own the little pupper I've been sitting. He's apparently show material...so I get to provide a good home for him when he's not on the pageant circuit. Though things change and perhaps his looks will fade as he matures and he can just be a pet.

I find it somewhat ironic that his name stars with "C", just like Calieb.

DH always said I could have as many dogs as kids - so I now have 2.5 dogs. Again, there's irony in that.

Stars
In your multitudes
Scarce to be counted
Filling the darkness
With order and light
You are the sentinels
Silent and sure
Keeping watch in the night

~Les Miserables, Stars~

Which is worse.

When the mind is sharp and the body is in agony.

Or when the mind is impaired and the body is strong.

A question posed last week by friends whose corgi travelled over rainbow bridge not to long ago. There doesn't seem to be a good answer.

I just returned from the vet with my 12.5 y.o. corgi. His degenerative disease is progressing. More than that, he's in pain from back and hip problems. What little mobility he has is hampered by the pain. There's nothing to do at this point but manage it. We'll try a week on a medicine that's supposed to help. If he doesn't improve, then I'm afraid there's a tough decision to be made...and I'm the one who will have to make it. A tough one to call since his mind is still sharp.

I feel like my resume should include "executioner" as a hobby. I simply give my consent and the grim reaper arrives. As quickly as one can snap their fingers, I can opt to put down a dog...or take the life of a child. Crap this really sucks.

Emotionally, I'm not prepared, but I guess I better buck up. As a pet owner, you walk into this eyes wide open. You know that the odds are that your life will extend beyond that of your fuzzy buddy. Yet somehow when the time comes, it's impossibly hard to think that the being who offers unconditional love is not going to be physically at your side forever.

I wonder if my corgi has a "bucket list". Maybe, as a herding dog, he always wanted to meet some sheep or visit the queen of england (who also has corgis). Best I can do is try to keep him comfortable until the time comes for him to - as my children put it - become a star.

Seems I'm singlehandedly creating a new galaxy out there with my collection of stars. And yet, despite the pain endured before they found their place in the sky, they still seem to light my way.

November it only believes in a pile of dead leaves

No shadow
no stars
no moon
no cars
November
it only believes
in a pile of dead leaves
and a moon
that's the color of bone

~Tom Waits, November~

Where does the time go?

Appointments for my son dot my calendar - psychologists, evaluations, occupational therapy. He bit someone today. I feel bad - I don''t want him to hurt others. He can't control his impulses. Acronyms like ADHD, PDD, and ODD are tossed around. Nothing conclusive - except that he's very smart and equally challenged by whatever is going on inside of his body and mind. I love him. I would do anything for him. It's just that right now, I'm not sure what will help - so I'm trying it all.

Betrayed, at work. By my manager. Last year I requested her utmost confidence when I went out on medical leave. Turns out she told people. I'm ticked and disappointed. There are other examples of this. DH says to tell HR as this is medical info. that was shared. I don't know if I have the energy or wherewithal to challenge her on this.

My grandmother - at 87 - suffered a terrible fall last week. Internal bleeding, fractures. She was transferred to a Trauma ICU because things were touch and go for a while. Tough woman that she is, she's now at a nursing home. She's buried two husbands - one while she was pregnant with my mom (a fighter pilot in WW II) and one 3 years ago. She's lived through a lot. Go Nana!

Her fall caused a cancellation of a b-day trip overnight. Oh well. Family is more important and my mom needed to be with her. A bummer we couldn't go away, but certainly this took precedence.

Meanwhile, I had a little puppy staying with us who made me forget I should have been going away in the first place. A 13 week old corgi who was the best little visitor. I wish I could keep him...but he has another home. We had a great time.

And Calieb. As the weather turns cooler and the days grow shorter, I find myself thinking about him. I have flashbacks - vivid ones - of my pregnancy, hospital stay, how I felt when I awoke in the recovery room. I feel physical pain when these occur. Obviously I'm still experiencing some PTSD.

When my husband was complaining about 3 dogs in the house, I said "I guess it's a good thing we didn't have three kids then." He just clammed up. No reaction. Boy that really pisses me off. Have a freaking feeling every now and then.

The distance between us is further now. Physically sharing a house - he works late. I retreat upstairs. I told him we need counseling and he poo-pooed me. So whatever. Not sure where we'll be in 10 years.

Not looking forward to the holiday season. Grandmother in nursing home, Father in Law with Alzheimer's, son with one or more of a number of issues, dodging H1N1 and whatever other illnesses are at large in our local area. Crap. This is really going to suck. And it's only the beginning of November.